…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
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Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
#gardening
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see