It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50