*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Doctors texting each other.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.