If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
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My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English