[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.