Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA