Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Tough love is true love
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.