Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
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My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?