ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
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I’m not lazy
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call