8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
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”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.