One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
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Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.