Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
You Might Also Like
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
PLEASE READ
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Today’s weather from Yorkshire