*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.