ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
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Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
man: wait
time: no
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
My blood type is coffee.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…