Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
You Might Also Like
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
The news is so predictable nowadays
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’