My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me trying to walk in a dream
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?