I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
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My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry