If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
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I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Many hands make light work
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days