Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My kitchen overserved me.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.