HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
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Welcome to the stomach
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-