Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Every time my phone rings
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Spider-cat: No One Home
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.