At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
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“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
my dad has had enough
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.