[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
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Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.