10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.