Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
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Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I hope they boil the right one.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
can’t believe I got front row seats
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.