At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
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I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]