Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
You Might Also Like
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.