i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
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PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Important
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
hi why am I like this
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.