one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
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Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.