HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
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Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
back to work
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.