Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
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You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
They’re not wrong
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I’m literally crying
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall