My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
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A woman drives into a bar.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this