I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Spring cleaning checklist…
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht