I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Breaking news:
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.