A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
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Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”