I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
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she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Pretty much! 😂👀
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.