FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww