My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
You Might Also Like
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
asked my bf how work was today
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.