I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
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⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Before & after 😅
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”