Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
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Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.