Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.