I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
You Might Also Like
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
it must be school picture day
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Get off my horse you stupid moon
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.