That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
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My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
“Huge”.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no