Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
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A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face