<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
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her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going