reminder
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The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
The only equipped I am is ill.