I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
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Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.