My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
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but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Doctors texting each other.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!