I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
couldn’t resist
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]