Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 馃槀
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does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I鈥檓 just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I鈥檓. A butcher.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
A chip tracker but it鈥檚 just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Make fun of my long hair and I鈥檒l ride past your girlfriend鈥檚 bedroom window on a stallion.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you鈥檙e doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point